My insides are full of their own brand of emptiness

I wrote all of the following over a period of time and my thoughts have varied widely. I have been back and changed my pure thoughts over and over and over and now here it is for drinking.

So, I have just recently watched “Pride and Prejudice.” What a chick flick, but at the same time I enjoyed it. I have to say that it will inevitably depress me further then I have already declared myself. I so want to find someone to enjoy my life with.

Afghanistan is such a dreadful country this time of year, raining and cold. After a long period of rain, days, the ground is like soup. It’s the nastiest substance you will ever force yourself upon. On the last little base I found myself residing at, there were no paved roads and there was simply no escape from the nasty, dreadful soup. It covers everything and gets everywhere. Not to mention that cold and rain are not the most suitable combination of meteorological events. I despise the cold. I don’t mind the rain, but truly loath the combination of the two.

I believe I have been left on my own at work. My replacement has taken over my job well over a month early and moved my belongings up to my new office for me. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you view it, my new posting really doesn’t exist yet. So, I guess my condition can simply be called unemployed. I have yet to experience life in the Army without a high tempo and fifty men begging for my every moment, at least not during the past 5-6 years. I have to say I rather like being busy… Someone once described me as someone who enjoyed the climb up the hill much better than standing on the top. Once he said it and I took a moment to think about it, I could not help but to agree. I have a hard time believing that I have been in the military for well over twelve years now. Yikes, before I know it I will be an old man. Most of my men, primarily because of my rank, already view me as such.

I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. The Army has treated me well. I am years ahead of those around me. But still I am feeling empty some days. My career is going great and I am rather full of myself concerning it, but still there is so much missing.

 I will likely finish my two year degree sometime this year. Actually on that subject, I do believe I am going to focus more intently on education. I always say that, and then I find myself feeling lazy two classes later. I have been slowly but surely picking away at it, no matter how hard the Army has worked me, I have continued to further my civilian education. I know some of you will over react about my use of the word “civilian,” but I undergo a lot of military education, years of it. I am just doing a simple General Education degree. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, so deciding on anything outside of the basics proved very difficult.

I have grown tired of Savannah even though it is a lovely city, one that I could picture myself living in for the rest of my life. My social life has been the primary culprit in this particular decision. Nikki has checked up on me a few times on Yahoo… She still finds her way into my mind quite often. It does not hurt nearly has badly as before… I rarely think of her unprovoked. I have not returned any of her messages and do not plan on doing such.

I have traveled the world. I have seen many things that most people dream about their entire lives without even getting close. I want to see so much more! I am hungry for the travel. It is one of the things that keep me in love with my work. I want to go on a cruise this year, but I don’t think I have the financial capability I would like to have prior to going. Of course I have the money, but I have gotten on this huge kick about having so much money in reserve and in my investment accounts. Every year I have tightened the noose around my wallet tighter and tighter. Although I make a significant amount more then I have ever made in the past and I save and invest a large portion of it, I still don’t allow myself to take advantage of the leftovers.

Anxiety continues to plague me, as it has for nearly a decade. I am much better at controlling it, but it nonetheless nearly brings to my breaking point every now and then. It usually centers itself around my stomach. Any kind of stomach discomfort partnered with any kind of pressuring situation may cause me to be overly anxious. However, I must say that I can override it and continue on even at its worst. I have been in combat pretty steadily over the past seven plus years; anxiety has been a portion of my life for far longer than that. By that I mean I have been able to make pressured big time decisions while experiencing some serious symptoms. I have driven many a mile while in the middle of huge anxiety attacks. Usually it makes me far more of a cautious driver. In the end, I usually find myself wishing I had someone to share my life with and help me to continue to learn to minimize these situations.

So, what are your thoughts on marriage? Do you believe that one special person is designed for you and no other? I often think about my past relationships. My early twenties were filled with great relationships. I often think of those relationships past and I can visualize what could’ve been, had I not been so impossible. There was one relationship in particular that I know could’ve gone the distance, but I ruined it. Oh well, no sense crying over spilled milk. But if that was my “one,” am I destined to be alone forever?

Jetlag, have you guys ever experienced real live round the world jetlag? I’ll tell you that I have. I am on the far side of the globe as I write this and I am preparing myself for the inevitable. First, at the end of my trips my sleep cycle always gets screwed up by the work. Then the airplane will never be scheduled to land at a normal time. It will be slap in the middle of when I don’t want to be awake. By the time I have arrived back in the good ol’ US of A, I am tired and extremely jetlagged. It usually takes me about 2 or 3 days to recover to a point where the symptoms aren’t noticeable.

State of the week address

My week has been a busy one, both at home and at the office. I don’t even know where to start. My friend and co-worker whom I previously mentioned was fired on Wednesday afternoon. Leaving me all alone in an office built for four. I got spin controlled placed on most of the tasks he had out there flapping and begin regaining full contol of everything. I spoke to the boss man about my future on friday. He says, if I don’t get promoted then where I am is where I am staying. Speaking of promotion, we should know very soon whether or not I am selected for promotion. By the middle of the month we should know what is going on and what their plans are for me… Keep those fingers crossed.

M love life has been busy this week too. I have met a few people this week. One is the friend of a friend that I mentioned in a previous post. The second is a woman I have been talking to on yahoo for months and we decided to meet on Friday night. We are not interested in dating each other, but we pass advice back and forth on a daily basis. And then the third i met last night online and we chatted for a few hours. She is younger then I normally would allow, but we communicated well so I am going to allow it to move forward for a minute and see what happens. Ms. Slow has pretty much self eliminated from my life. I haven’t seen her in nearly a month. We talk less and less. Last night was the 4th or 5th time she has drove from her place to my area (1 hour drive) and didn’t even think of seeing me. She just can’t manage herself well enough.

Yesterday i drove down to Jekyll Island with a couple of the Minis from around. The Shrimp and grits festival was going on down there. I love me some shrimp and grits!! A friend of mine came along in my car also. Him and I can yap like a bunch of old women at a church social and we did for the hour plus drive there and back. I returned to Savannah in the mid-afternoon so I could attend my god-daughters birthday party. She turned 7. She is already smarter then me by a long shot. Quick funny story on that note, It was her, her dad, her Mom and myself riding in their car. I don’t know where we had been or where we were heading at the time, but her mom spoke up and asked “do you guys wanna stop and get some i-c-e  c-r-e-a-m.” Spelling it out quickly so she wouldn’t go crazy if we decided not to. Her Dad and I look at each other as the wheels in our brains try and figure out what was just spelled out to us (and how to us it in a sentence.. lol). Meanwhile a mere one second later their daughter is going nuts for ice cream. We still really hadn’t figured it out… Ofcourse her Mom immediately begins to poke fun at the fact that we had been out done by a 6 year old. It happens.

I travel out of town on Business on Thursday. I will still be able to post here, it will just be a little less frequent. Have a lovely week.

The summary of the week

This past week proved to be a very demanding week. I was telling the young lady I am talking to (the same one I mentioned a few weeks ago) that it wasn’t physically exhausting, it was mentally exhausting. I watched the creation of the case against one of my best buds, well I thought best buds. Now I am beginning to have my doubts. I guess I’ll go on to side note really quick. I am one of those people that will stand up and sheild my men with all my might when it comes to just about anything. But you must come clean with me. Now I have watched the evidence stack up against my co-worker, the man I have spent the last three and a half years growing to take my place. And yet still he doesn’t seem to be telling me the truth. I know that the evidence will never match up from both sides, but it does not look good.

So, the upcoming week looks to be one were I could find myself alone in an office slotted for 12 men… Four of which should be of the rank of Sergeant First Class such as myself and the rest should be Staff Sergeants. We are spread a little thin these days. I am already hard at work on my plan to refill my Platoon’s leaders. Time will tell. Meanwhile I should know in about 10 days or so whether or not I have been selected for promotion. I have my fingers crossed. I wasn’t nervous about it at all until everyone started asking me about it nearly every 5 minutes. I had myself all calm, after all if I get overlooked and selected next year I will still be a few years ahead of my peers…

So as previously mentioned I am still talking to the same girl. She is very sweet and seems to care. I haven’t seen her in two and a half weeks though. She went out of town to see her parents for 9 days, then came home to work 12 hour days for 6 straight. She works a lot. I work a lot. I am not so sure how I will ever meet and be able to maintain with anyone…… I will continue to talk with her, we have some wonderful conversations. We can easily find ourselves on the phone for hours… We soothe one another. Did I mention she lives about an hour drive away? It makes it even harder. This week I needed someone to sit and talk with, but the position went unfilled. Her and I talked over the phone almost everyday, but I can’t talk about work over the phone. I guess we will have to work something out. I will keep you posted~~~~K

Women

So, i have dated a wide variety of women during the past few years that have encompassed my entire adult life. I have dated single, married, divorced, widowed and just about any other combination of those. I have dated white, black, tan, yellow and just about any color combination two humans can produce. I have dated wealthy, very wealthy, dirt poor and just your plain ol’ average middle class. You could say I have dated end to end across the broad spectrum of women. Few were even close to what I saw myself needing. Some were exactly what I did not want or need. But they wanted me and at the time it sounded much better then being lonely. As  look back on my life, however, i feel like I have been alone a lot more then not. Even with the literally 100s of women i have dated, i still feel and have felt very alone. I have been advised by the successful and the broken-hearted and niether have provided me with any insight I didn’t already know. I have a lot more on my mind concerning this, but just don’t know how to display it. For now I will call it a night.