I love the US. I would give my life for it. However, I hate Americans.
My insides are full of their own brand of emptiness
I wrote all of the following over a period of time and my thoughts have varied widely. I have been back and changed my pure thoughts over and over and over and now here it is for drinking.
So, I have just recently watched “Pride and Prejudice.” What a chick flick, but at the same time I enjoyed it. I have to say that it will inevitably depress me further then I have already declared myself. I so want to find someone to enjoy my life with.
Afghanistan is such a dreadful country this time of year, raining and cold. After a long period of rain, days, the ground is like soup. It’s the nastiest substance you will ever force yourself upon. On the last little base I found myself residing at, there were no paved roads and there was simply no escape from the nasty, dreadful soup. It covers everything and gets everywhere. Not to mention that cold and rain are not the most suitable combination of meteorological events. I despise the cold. I don’t mind the rain, but truly loath the combination of the two.
I believe I have been left on my own at work. My replacement has taken over my job well over a month early and moved my belongings up to my new office for me. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you view it, my new posting really doesn’t exist yet. So, I guess my condition can simply be called unemployed. I have yet to experience life in the Army without a high tempo and fifty men begging for my every moment, at least not during the past 5-6 years. I have to say I rather like being busy… Someone once described me as someone who enjoyed the climb up the hill much better than standing on the top. Once he said it and I took a moment to think about it, I could not help but to agree. I have a hard time believing that I have been in the military for well over twelve years now. Yikes, before I know it I will be an old man. Most of my men, primarily because of my rank, already view me as such.
I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. The Army has treated me well. I am years ahead of those around me. But still I am feeling empty some days. My career is going great and I am rather full of myself concerning it, but still there is so much missing.
I will likely finish my two year degree sometime this year. Actually on that subject, I do believe I am going to focus more intently on education. I always say that, and then I find myself feeling lazy two classes later. I have been slowly but surely picking away at it, no matter how hard the Army has worked me, I have continued to further my civilian education. I know some of you will over react about my use of the word “civilian,” but I undergo a lot of military education, years of it. I am just doing a simple General Education degree. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, so deciding on anything outside of the basics proved very difficult.
I have grown tired of Savannah even though it is a lovely city, one that I could picture myself living in for the rest of my life. My social life has been the primary culprit in this particular decision. Nikki has checked up on me a few times on Yahoo… She still finds her way into my mind quite often. It does not hurt nearly has badly as before… I rarely think of her unprovoked. I have not returned any of her messages and do not plan on doing such.
I have traveled the world. I have seen many things that most people dream about their entire lives without even getting close. I want to see so much more! I am hungry for the travel. It is one of the things that keep me in love with my work. I want to go on a cruise this year, but I don’t think I have the financial capability I would like to have prior to going. Of course I have the money, but I have gotten on this huge kick about having so much money in reserve and in my investment accounts. Every year I have tightened the noose around my wallet tighter and tighter. Although I make a significant amount more then I have ever made in the past and I save and invest a large portion of it, I still don’t allow myself to take advantage of the leftovers.
Anxiety continues to plague me, as it has for nearly a decade. I am much better at controlling it, but it nonetheless nearly brings to my breaking point every now and then. It usually centers itself around my stomach. Any kind of stomach discomfort partnered with any kind of pressuring situation may cause me to be overly anxious. However, I must say that I can override it and continue on even at its worst. I have been in combat pretty steadily over the past seven plus years; anxiety has been a portion of my life for far longer than that. By that I mean I have been able to make pressured big time decisions while experiencing some serious symptoms. I have driven many a mile while in the middle of huge anxiety attacks. Usually it makes me far more of a cautious driver. In the end, I usually find myself wishing I had someone to share my life with and help me to continue to learn to minimize these situations.
So, what are your thoughts on marriage? Do you believe that one special person is designed for you and no other? I often think about my past relationships. My early twenties were filled with great relationships. I often think of those relationships past and I can visualize what could’ve been, had I not been so impossible. There was one relationship in particular that I know could’ve gone the distance, but I ruined it. Oh well, no sense crying over spilled milk. But if that was my “one,” am I destined to be alone forever?
Jetlag, have you guys ever experienced real live round the world jetlag? I’ll tell you that I have. I am on the far side of the globe as I write this and I am preparing myself for the inevitable. First, at the end of my trips my sleep cycle always gets screwed up by the work. Then the airplane will never be scheduled to land at a normal time. It will be slap in the middle of when I don’t want to be awake. By the time I have arrived back in the good ol’ US of A, I am tired and extremely jetlagged. It usually takes me about 2 or 3 days to recover to a point where the symptoms aren’t noticeable.
Army Life
I just watched another 30 second report on CNN showing an Army wife complaining about Soldiers being deployed. She was standing outside of her two story nice home with a BMW 328i and a Lincoln MKX in the drive way. Both of her kids had fully stocked bedrooms of toys, TV’s, video game and tons of other stuff. This young lady stated they had been married for about 8 years and that her husband had been serving in the military for about 12 years. I have also been serving for 12 years. Now this brings to mind a few points. One, she married him when he had alredy been serving for a few years. She married into the military. She should be fully versed on our military life works. I understand that military spouses have a challenging life. They are seperated from their loved ones for months and very seldomly for a year at a time. But on the other end of the spectrum I can go ride thru military housing right now and see a lot of spouses laying around the house. They don’t work and don’t want to. They just sit at home and suck down benefits. I know wives that refuse to work because they have their Soldiers (husbands) taking care of them. Don’t think they are only staying to be stay-at-home moms, I know a lot of couples that have no kids and still they sit at home, doing nothing but bitching about the Army. GET A JOB!
Let me tell you this, military life is good for most. Military pay and benefits are at their highest levels ever. When not deployed we get tons of free time off not to mention 30 days of vacation a year. Almost every month of the year consist of at least one if not two long weekends. Everyone has heard of the Armys college money offered to new recruits, but few know that you don’t even have to use it. While you are actively serving in the Army your college tuition it paid100%. Did I mention the military health care system. A soldier does not pay for any health or dental work done ever.. No matter how many times he or she sees a doctor, no matter the problem, it is free. Now I will tell you this, you go out and join the Army the day after you graduate high school, the first few years of military life will be demanding and the pay levels won’t be very high. However Soldiers do fine. I walk through my Soldiers barracks rooms every so often. Those guys have it made, they have no bills outside of their cars. They usually have 40-50 inch LCD TV’s, two or three video game systems and a room full of other gadgets. Everyone usually hears people complaining about soldiers deploying, but they rarely hear that the average married Soldier will see a minimum of a $1000 pay raise every month for his deployed time. That figure is the bottom figure, the higher your rank, the higher your pay increase (mostly due to the fact that your pay becomes tax free while deployed.) Soldiers generally have it made. Every single Soldier that works for me begs to deploy. Yes, you read that correctly, begs to deploy. Every single day they argue amongst themselves about who will go next and for how long. I have to demand that they will replaced and come home half the time. Bottom line, being a Soldier isn’t such a bad deal. There is a lot more that can be said, but I will hold it for another day. Don’t believe what you hear on any news station. If a Soldier isn’t bitching, whining moaning and complaining about something he isn’t a happy Soldier……
