Why?

So, it’s been a rough 2 weeks. Men that I know and some that I didn’t have died. They have given their lives for various reasons, all unique to that individual. And it saddens me. I have talked to wives and girlfriends. I have comforted those in need. I have brought smiles to their faces in moments of absolute grief. The worst moment in their lives, but I have questions, way too many questions.

I wonder if I have wasted my entire life? I wonder if I have made the right choices? It’s logical to think that had I chosen to remain at home and not serve, I would likely have a family of my own. While comforting a spouse of an injured Soldier just 10 days ago, she stated, “I don’t care if he has no arms or legs. I will push him around in a wheelchair forever if I ave to. I just want him.” This statement has brought me a lot heartache and pain since it first touched my ears. It has dug deep down into my soul and began to rot away my interior. I often wonder why there is no-one waiting for me to come home? I wonder why I haven’t been chosen or lucky enough. I know some answers to some of the simpler questions….

I have roommate and she has a dog. Me and this little dog are great friends. When she is around me she cannot get close enough to my face. She is constantly pushing her way to closer to me. She unconditionally loves me. I am the one who scoldes her, punishs her and occasionally tans that back side. She still responds to my voice and meets me at the door each day. She lays beside me on the couch and enjoys my company…..

Over the past 8 years I have been in many rooms with many families who had their loved one snatched from them in the middle of the night by a hard business. I have been able to help them and as I said make them smile. I doubled my efforts each time when I am working to try and keep my men safe. I have failed time after time and many have fallen. I’m tired.

I never guessed I would be where I am today. It never would’ve occured to me. I have no regrets and this shouldn’t be read that way. I simply wish that someone would be here for me when I come home. No matter how my day was, good or bad or how long the deployment was, I just want someone to help hold me up for once, just once…

Thoughts

I am a great man when looked in on from the outside. I have a great job, nice car, nice house, and I have been smart with my money for the last decade.

Why do I feel so empty inside? No-one seems to want to give me the time of day in the dating world. Maybe is there is no puzzle piece that connects to mine…

Restless

I was very, very tired so I allowed myself to drift off to sleep on the couch. I woke up about 1130 and moved to the bed. My lady friend called, about 1215. Nothing but bad news there. I asked her to give it to me straight and ofcourse I am not the only guy in her life. Which figures that a woman like that is juggling a bunch of men. I will probably move on. She also finally came clean about going to the formal with me… This is the best part. She may go with someone else! How embarassing! If I don’t have a date, which I won’t because i will spend most of the next month out of town. I have decided I just wont go. Which depresses me terribly bad. I really enjoy those events, but alone just isn’t cutting it anymore. My motivation levels have just bottomed out. So here it is a little after 2am and I cant seem to get comfortable. I have alot on my mind, women, work and more work. I don’t feel so good…… I think I am going to stand in the shower for a minute. Work is only two and a half hours away.

I said I would keep everyone posted

I’m not so sure the girl I’ve been talking to is going to work out. She didn’t make any time for me this weekend……………………………………………. She may just not have any time for me. She just can’t manage her time well enough. I am going to give her a few more days, but it doesn’t feel right….