Why?

So, it’s been a rough 2 weeks. Men that I know and some that I didn’t have died. They have given their lives for various reasons, all unique to that individual. And it saddens me. I have talked to wives and girlfriends. I have comforted those in need. I have brought smiles to their faces in moments of absolute grief. The worst moment in their lives, but I have questions, way too many questions.

I wonder if I have wasted my entire life? I wonder if I have made the right choices? It’s logical to think that had I chosen to remain at home and not serve, I would likely have a family of my own. While comforting a spouse of an injured Soldier just 10 days ago, she stated, “I don’t care if he has no arms or legs. I will push him around in a wheelchair forever if I ave to. I just want him.” This statement has brought me a lot heartache and pain since it first touched my ears. It has dug deep down into my soul and began to rot away my interior. I often wonder why there is no-one waiting for me to come home? I wonder why I haven’t been chosen or lucky enough. I know some answers to some of the simpler questions….

I have roommate and she has a dog. Me and this little dog are great friends. When she is around me she cannot get close enough to my face. She is constantly pushing her way to closer to me. She unconditionally loves me. I am the one who scoldes her, punishs her and occasionally tans that back side. She still responds to my voice and meets me at the door each day. She lays beside me on the couch and enjoys my company…..

Over the past 8 years I have been in many rooms with many families who had their loved one snatched from them in the middle of the night by a hard business. I have been able to help them and as I said make them smile. I doubled my efforts each time when I am working to try and keep my men safe. I have failed time after time and many have fallen. I’m tired.

I never guessed I would be where I am today. It never would’ve occured to me. I have no regrets and this shouldn’t be read that way. I simply wish that someone would be here for me when I come home. No matter how my day was, good or bad or how long the deployment was, I just want someone to help hold me up for once, just once…

Lifetime update

So I have dedicated my entire life to the service of my country. I am currently serving under an indefinite contract which can keep me in the Army till 2025 at the far end. I have to ask to get out, my contract as no sure exit point before the max. I start a new job in a few days. One, that I should be super excited about, but find myself more and more depressed over.

Depressed, that is a good term to best describe me right now. I have decided that I want a family. The lack of hope for one is bringing my morale down……. help…….I have a ton more to say, when I get home, which will be very soon, I will write a lot more. I have tons to write about. It’s freezing and raining here and I need to rest.

Stag again

So the new lady friend and I spoke as I mentioned. She let me know she is interested in slow and I agreed that slow is good. However, i don’t think she has time for me in her life. Now this is a change for me. I am normally the booked up guy. In the past few years, however I have grown up both at work and at home and I can create more flexibility in my life as needed. I am getting ready to go out of town on business for a few weeks and I return just prior to a formal engagement for my organization. I love these things. I enjoy getting dressed up, going out and socializing. This year looks like it will be my second year in a row where I will find myself alone, no date…. I hate it. It is things like this that make me dislike my life. Generally everyone will have a date. Hell, all my peers have wives that will escort them. I do not want to sit alone again……… 

What the hell is wrong with me anyway? I am secure. I am stable (mostly). I have set myself up financially. I have saved a small fortune towards my goals and retirement. I am a gentleman in all respects. Once I get to know someone and see that we care for one another, I do absolutely everything I can for them, especially the little things. I don’t come on too strong though. I am pretty relaxed. I am not demanding or self centered. What is it, someone tell me? I hear all the time, “you just haven’t found the right woman yet.” I hate that. Everywoman I meet spends the first few dates asking me, “why aren’t you married yet” or telling me that I am a good guy. Hell, everyone tells me I’m a good guy. So, why then am I fast approaching 31years old with nothing of a relationship to show for it? Why?