Anxiety, what a bitch…

So, I’m seeing the doc once or twice a week. I am improving, but this shit still sucks. A few more months and hopefully life will plain out.

I moved into my dream job this week. It is the job I have built my entire career around. I am so pumped, which unfortunately I sometimes confuse with anxiety. I also fear anxiety arising around the new office. 270 men demand on me to be at my best all day everyday.

So, new girl is awesome, just like I stated before. I guess I have just developed a complex. I find myself so concerned that she will just walk away. She even stated that I was doing great, but I still find myself worried. It is amazing though, when I am not being stupid, I can see myself with her forever.

I’m not hoping, because hope is for shitbirds who never get anything. I am going to win.

Employment / life update

In exactly 2 weeks I will move into the position at work that I have been dreaming about for most of my adult life. It is a position I feared when I was a young man. I have watched leaders, both real and fake come and go from the job. Now it is my turn. Everyone who knows me says that I am perfect for the job, that I have the potential to be great. I hope I an live up to thier expectations.

Facebook has become an addiction for me.

This girl has the potential. I’m already trying to hold myself back from going too fast.

I finally got a dog. I haven’t been writing here very much so I figured I would update the world. Thank god for that dog. Her and I talk a lot. Well actually she is a great listener. I do most of the talking.

Anxiety officially runs my life. I am seeing a doctor, but I have a long road to hoe.

Why?

So, it’s been a rough 2 weeks. Men that I know and some that I didn’t have died. They have given their lives for various reasons, all unique to that individual. And it saddens me. I have talked to wives and girlfriends. I have comforted those in need. I have brought smiles to their faces in moments of absolute grief. The worst moment in their lives, but I have questions, way too many questions.

I wonder if I have wasted my entire life? I wonder if I have made the right choices? It’s logical to think that had I chosen to remain at home and not serve, I would likely have a family of my own. While comforting a spouse of an injured Soldier just 10 days ago, she stated, “I don’t care if he has no arms or legs. I will push him around in a wheelchair forever if I ave to. I just want him.” This statement has brought me a lot heartache and pain since it first touched my ears. It has dug deep down into my soul and began to rot away my interior. I often wonder why there is no-one waiting for me to come home? I wonder why I haven’t been chosen or lucky enough. I know some answers to some of the simpler questions….

I have roommate and she has a dog. Me and this little dog are great friends. When she is around me she cannot get close enough to my face. She is constantly pushing her way to closer to me. She unconditionally loves me. I am the one who scoldes her, punishs her and occasionally tans that back side. She still responds to my voice and meets me at the door each day. She lays beside me on the couch and enjoys my company…..

Over the past 8 years I have been in many rooms with many families who had their loved one snatched from them in the middle of the night by a hard business. I have been able to help them and as I said make them smile. I doubled my efforts each time when I am working to try and keep my men safe. I have failed time after time and many have fallen. I’m tired.

I never guessed I would be where I am today. It never would’ve occured to me. I have no regrets and this shouldn’t be read that way. I simply wish that someone would be here for me when I come home. No matter how my day was, good or bad or how long the deployment was, I just want someone to help hold me up for once, just once…

A good day for me

Outside of the fact that I am single and very dissapointed in that fact, today was a good day.

I was promoted to the rank of First Sergeant. It’s a great day to serve our nation.

Job update

So I have decided to maintain my job here in Savannah. Today was my day to quit if there ever was a day. However, with new news of business picking up here at my current post, I have decided to remain here. I will be this brand new company’s first 1SG (First Sergeant). I guess I have found myself excited about the possibilities, but I think I would’ve prefer a little change of scenary, but ohh well. Plus one of my biggest supporters is coming to run my Battalion soon and will open up some other avenues from me to move down.

I do wish I had a spouse to share these moments with… I will likely be finished with all of the fun stuff the Army has to offer before I have anyone to share it with. Again I am not going to cry over something I have no real control over..

On another different, yet related note, my date tonight was rescheduled to an undetermined day. Hopefully it will be soon!

My insides are full of their own brand of emptiness

I wrote all of the following over a period of time and my thoughts have varied widely. I have been back and changed my pure thoughts over and over and over and now here it is for drinking.

So, I have just recently watched “Pride and Prejudice.” What a chick flick, but at the same time I enjoyed it. I have to say that it will inevitably depress me further then I have already declared myself. I so want to find someone to enjoy my life with.

Afghanistan is such a dreadful country this time of year, raining and cold. After a long period of rain, days, the ground is like soup. It’s the nastiest substance you will ever force yourself upon. On the last little base I found myself residing at, there were no paved roads and there was simply no escape from the nasty, dreadful soup. It covers everything and gets everywhere. Not to mention that cold and rain are not the most suitable combination of meteorological events. I despise the cold. I don’t mind the rain, but truly loath the combination of the two.

I believe I have been left on my own at work. My replacement has taken over my job well over a month early and moved my belongings up to my new office for me. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you view it, my new posting really doesn’t exist yet. So, I guess my condition can simply be called unemployed. I have yet to experience life in the Army without a high tempo and fifty men begging for my every moment, at least not during the past 5-6 years. I have to say I rather like being busy… Someone once described me as someone who enjoyed the climb up the hill much better than standing on the top. Once he said it and I took a moment to think about it, I could not help but to agree. I have a hard time believing that I have been in the military for well over twelve years now. Yikes, before I know it I will be an old man. Most of my men, primarily because of my rank, already view me as such.

I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. The Army has treated me well. I am years ahead of those around me. But still I am feeling empty some days. My career is going great and I am rather full of myself concerning it, but still there is so much missing.

 I will likely finish my two year degree sometime this year. Actually on that subject, I do believe I am going to focus more intently on education. I always say that, and then I find myself feeling lazy two classes later. I have been slowly but surely picking away at it, no matter how hard the Army has worked me, I have continued to further my civilian education. I know some of you will over react about my use of the word “civilian,” but I undergo a lot of military education, years of it. I am just doing a simple General Education degree. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, so deciding on anything outside of the basics proved very difficult.

I have grown tired of Savannah even though it is a lovely city, one that I could picture myself living in for the rest of my life. My social life has been the primary culprit in this particular decision. Nikki has checked up on me a few times on Yahoo… She still finds her way into my mind quite often. It does not hurt nearly has badly as before… I rarely think of her unprovoked. I have not returned any of her messages and do not plan on doing such.

I have traveled the world. I have seen many things that most people dream about their entire lives without even getting close. I want to see so much more! I am hungry for the travel. It is one of the things that keep me in love with my work. I want to go on a cruise this year, but I don’t think I have the financial capability I would like to have prior to going. Of course I have the money, but I have gotten on this huge kick about having so much money in reserve and in my investment accounts. Every year I have tightened the noose around my wallet tighter and tighter. Although I make a significant amount more then I have ever made in the past and I save and invest a large portion of it, I still don’t allow myself to take advantage of the leftovers.

Anxiety continues to plague me, as it has for nearly a decade. I am much better at controlling it, but it nonetheless nearly brings to my breaking point every now and then. It usually centers itself around my stomach. Any kind of stomach discomfort partnered with any kind of pressuring situation may cause me to be overly anxious. However, I must say that I can override it and continue on even at its worst. I have been in combat pretty steadily over the past seven plus years; anxiety has been a portion of my life for far longer than that. By that I mean I have been able to make pressured big time decisions while experiencing some serious symptoms. I have driven many a mile while in the middle of huge anxiety attacks. Usually it makes me far more of a cautious driver. In the end, I usually find myself wishing I had someone to share my life with and help me to continue to learn to minimize these situations.

So, what are your thoughts on marriage? Do you believe that one special person is designed for you and no other? I often think about my past relationships. My early twenties were filled with great relationships. I often think of those relationships past and I can visualize what could’ve been, had I not been so impossible. There was one relationship in particular that I know could’ve gone the distance, but I ruined it. Oh well, no sense crying over spilled milk. But if that was my “one,” am I destined to be alone forever?

Jetlag, have you guys ever experienced real live round the world jetlag? I’ll tell you that I have. I am on the far side of the globe as I write this and I am preparing myself for the inevitable. First, at the end of my trips my sleep cycle always gets screwed up by the work. Then the airplane will never be scheduled to land at a normal time. It will be slap in the middle of when I don’t want to be awake. By the time I have arrived back in the good ol’ US of A, I am tired and extremely jetlagged. It usually takes me about 2 or 3 days to recover to a point where the symptoms aren’t noticeable.

Lifetime update

So I have dedicated my entire life to the service of my country. I am currently serving under an indefinite contract which can keep me in the Army till 2025 at the far end. I have to ask to get out, my contract as no sure exit point before the max. I start a new job in a few days. One, that I should be super excited about, but find myself more and more depressed over.

Depressed, that is a good term to best describe me right now. I have decided that I want a family. The lack of hope for one is bringing my morale down……. help…….I have a ton more to say, when I get home, which will be very soon, I will write a lot more. I have tons to write about. It’s freezing and raining here and I need to rest.

OMG, what a week

Well, my fate has been decided by those who command me. I am to remain here and start up a new company inside my Battalion. I was very dissapointed with there decision. I wanted change so terribly bad. I needed it. So, with the lack of change placed in  my life back work, I have decided to make change inside my own life. More to follow on this. The assignment has the potential to make me very happy or very unhappy. Which one has yet to be decided.

“Ms. Slow” and I hung out on Thursday. I have to say it was one of the best dates of my life. We didn’t even do anything spectacular. Dinner and a movie at my place. We are going to see each other once again tonight… We have a chance once again, but I want to remain the theme of our fledgling relationship.

Last night was the formal. The event went well, but I found myself board with the same ol’ “formal.” Our unit needs some serious overhaul when it comes to events like this. My date was the “Super Cougar,” as she has been crowned by my peers. We had a good night, but there is a connection missing. Strange…. I am not sure what it is.

In transit

The post below was written piece by piece as I travelled. As the opportunity presented itself I typed and now I post all of it for your reading.  I know its long, just bear with me!
I am currently somewhere in between 20 and 30 thousand feet in the air. We aren’t quite at cruising altitude; the seat belt sign is still illuminated. Today has been a quiet day. I had a nice little breakfast at the holiday Inn and spent a few hours walking around the PX this morning. Then went back for a couple of my guys and went to the mall. After a quick lap around the tiny mall, I watched “Eagle Eye” at the local crappy theater. This annoying squeaking sound came from the vents the entire movie, which was good by the way.
My flight has just begun and I have prepared a spot for myself to crash out for a few hours. Hopefully about 4 or 5 hours of chemistry induced sleep will come my way shortly…
During the short break in the Europe I found out some additional information concerning my promotion. My sequence number is 82. Now, here is what that means. A board made up of senior enlisted men decide you are worthy of promotion to a senior enlisted rank. Actually you and let’s say 100 others. Then they organize them by their date of rank and assign them a number from longest to shortest time served at their current rank, 1-100. Now I don’t how many men and women were selected total yet, but I know I am number 82. I am a young guy both by rank and age so I know that I am near the bottom of the list. Now the Army will promote a certain number a month to fill its needs. If I had to guess it will be 9-10 more months before I actually get paid at my new rank. That is based off past years watching the average promotion rates. Meanwhile I will be a SFC (P) officially on Thursday, October 2nd. The “P” means promotable. Hopefully I will be laterally appointed as a company First Sergeant. That is my dream. If I get that job, then I will likely be frocked to my new rank right then. However, I won’t get paid until my number is called.  The all powerful DIAMOND! The “top” enlisted man in a company. I would prefer a maintenance Company, but beggars can’t be choosers. I will take whatever unit I am given. I will keep everyone updated as my future is decided.
Well I am back airborne and once again somewhere high over the ground below. I didn’t get any real sleep on the first leg of my trip. I did however, get a about 2 hours on this portion. It will hold me over for a little while longer. Soon I will be landing at my destination and the boredom will begin. I have work to do, but it requires additional travel and will take some time for me to arrange…

State of the week address

My week has been a busy one, both at home and at the office. I don’t even know where to start. My friend and co-worker whom I previously mentioned was fired on Wednesday afternoon. Leaving me all alone in an office built for four. I got spin controlled placed on most of the tasks he had out there flapping and begin regaining full contol of everything. I spoke to the boss man about my future on friday. He says, if I don’t get promoted then where I am is where I am staying. Speaking of promotion, we should know very soon whether or not I am selected for promotion. By the middle of the month we should know what is going on and what their plans are for me… Keep those fingers crossed.

M love life has been busy this week too. I have met a few people this week. One is the friend of a friend that I mentioned in a previous post. The second is a woman I have been talking to on yahoo for months and we decided to meet on Friday night. We are not interested in dating each other, but we pass advice back and forth on a daily basis. And then the third i met last night online and we chatted for a few hours. She is younger then I normally would allow, but we communicated well so I am going to allow it to move forward for a minute and see what happens. Ms. Slow has pretty much self eliminated from my life. I haven’t seen her in nearly a month. We talk less and less. Last night was the 4th or 5th time she has drove from her place to my area (1 hour drive) and didn’t even think of seeing me. She just can’t manage herself well enough.

Yesterday i drove down to Jekyll Island with a couple of the Minis from around. The Shrimp and grits festival was going on down there. I love me some shrimp and grits!! A friend of mine came along in my car also. Him and I can yap like a bunch of old women at a church social and we did for the hour plus drive there and back. I returned to Savannah in the mid-afternoon so I could attend my god-daughters birthday party. She turned 7. She is already smarter then me by a long shot. Quick funny story on that note, It was her, her dad, her Mom and myself riding in their car. I don’t know where we had been or where we were heading at the time, but her mom spoke up and asked “do you guys wanna stop and get some i-c-e  c-r-e-a-m.” Spelling it out quickly so she wouldn’t go crazy if we decided not to. Her Dad and I look at each other as the wheels in our brains try and figure out what was just spelled out to us (and how to us it in a sentence.. lol). Meanwhile a mere one second later their daughter is going nuts for ice cream. We still really hadn’t figured it out… Ofcourse her Mom immediately begins to poke fun at the fact that we had been out done by a 6 year old. It happens.

I travel out of town on Business on Thursday. I will still be able to post here, it will just be a little less frequent. Have a lovely week.