Although, I am certain it is nothing; it continues to eat at my well-being. This ex-man of hers continues to insert himself into her life. It’s a “hi” here and a “how are you” there. He leans on her when he is down, etc.  She has been very secretive and even lied about it and it’s made me overly insecure on this one. I made her aware of my insecurity and tried to explain it to her as best I can, but still his calls and text come rolling in. Once she said she understood and was going to ask him to leave her be, but that hasn’t come to light. Every other time the subject arises, usually via a message from him, it’s just my fault that I’m uncomfortable and she just wants to leave it as is. Which is 99% true, but I know 99% of ex-lovers who remain don’t stay just to sit back and watch a lady grow old. I have tried not to be overly assertive and hope she understands my approach, but she doesn’t seem too. A few times as of late I have plainly stated that I wanted it over. I would feel so much better if she did on her own. I don’t want to control her, I love her and the way she acts. However I don’t know any other approach on this one. I’m just rambling, I know, but I can’t talk with her about it without her getting defensive. I try not to be offensive, but I am not always successful. What to do? What to do? I will likely sit here till I have another thought on the subject, then throw it out there. Did I mention that she won’t even talk with him in front of me and hasn’t ever. She does it on purpose. This fact bothers me more than his random all the time text messages. Today is her birthday, I planned an awesome day, who text her at 645 this morning, after she said she already asked him not too…? Yeah, you guessed it. So, she asked me what I wanted her to do about it and  asked her to send a plain simple text, “I thought we discussed this already?”  She said she would, but now she won’t. She asks me why I’m so insecure about it. However, it’s right here. I just want some closure on this issue. Why do all women seem to have this one ex-guy that they just won’t do away with? I don’t understand it. Guys usually only do it for one reason, (general rule but not always true) for the off-chance that they may get that lady again. Women never, ever think that that’s the way it is, but I’m telling you world, it is. So, here I sit typing a blog to nobody hoping that I will come up with a logical solution, because hope just ain’t doing it for me.

Communication may be the issue… I thought about this angle in the midst of a un-necessary, yet satisfying shower. Although I am normally hailed for my superior communication skills, I may be just too overly emotional about this issue to communicate my feelings effectively. My feelings bottom line, in the cliff note version include him falling off the edge of the planet. I know, I know, it’s not a very nice thing to think. Yet, if he would just disappear all my current issues would also. So, how can I communicate this effectively to her. I don’t want her to be heartless to her friend. I just want their relationship to end. Which I know in itself is not a very good thing for me to want. It’s selfish, but the feelings overwhelm me. She says she wants to conclude it her way, but of course with me now where around and with no way of knowing it’s actually done. How do I know the communications stop? She already says she could just stop telling me, which makes me incredibly uncomfortable. So how do I know? How do I communicate my desire to know? What signals that it is over to me? How do I know she isn’t hiding him from me? Then the “trust” questions comes into play. Do I trust her? Yes. Do I trust her on this issue? Not entirely. Herein lies the root problem and the basis for my insecurity. I knew that talking would inevitably get me to it, now to resolve it. Should I just let her read this? Will it just make it worse? I am not concerned that she would ever cheat on me. I trust her there. I trust her to mother my kids. I trust her with all my worldly belongings and finances. I don’t trust him at all and based off her secrecy, I have no good reason to. She says that her secrecy is based on knowing how upset I would be about it, but she was secretive out the door. Her failure to communicate straight up with me in the beginning made me a monster on this issue and now I scare myself. I’m gonna show her before I say anything else.

Fear of anxiety is my new source of trouble. Fear of anxiety is far worse then plain ol’ anxiety itself. Fear of anxiety creates the strongest anxiety of all. Fear……

I wish I would’ve sought out help long before it became a fear… Now I suffer, but it was my decision to try and tough it out. Now I must pay for that decision.

I closed my eyes the other day, one of the few times I ever do while I am suffering from anxiety, and a little sweet voice started filling my imagination with travels to distant beaches. I was vey, very surprised by this. Her and her voice became, at that very moment, precisely what I need. I am thankful that she doesnt mind helping me down this road.

I want a family of my own. I was /am tired of returning from difficult assignments and finding myself alone, very alone. Single life was the best thing going up until the past 18 months or so. Bouncing from woman to woman just seemed to be what I was destined to do. However the last year has brought me to a realization, I want a family of my own. I want a wife to come home to. I want my smile back. I want the same passion I have about my work to finally be useful from 5-9.

A few months ago I got a dog, Cheetah. I am so glad I made that decision. Unconditional love cannot be beat. Her and I talk a lot. Come to find out, she is a great listener.

I have mentioned the new girl friend a few times now. We are moving along nicely. We are still getting to know one another, but we are already very comfortable with one another. I welcome it. I have already given her my trust. I know I have made this mistake before and vowed never to do it again. But I have come to realize over the years and hundreds, well thousands of dates, that all I can do is open up, be me and listen for the signals of love or betrayal. If I get hurt I will get over it. But if I find the right heart and it works out, the payoff will be monumental. I have nothing to lose.

My professional life is at a all time high. My personal life has just begun to effect it adversly in the last 6 months.  However, even with the adverse affect of my shitty mental status, I can still out perform most anyone at the office. By the end of this year I will be back to untouchable.

God continues to evade me. It’s something I desire, but I find it hard to believe. I have a great book on faith that I am slowly reading thru. I think that as I slowly get my life anxiety back down to mangable levels, I will be able to pick up where I left off.

I moved into my dream job this week. It is the job I have built my entire career around. I am so pumped, which unfortunately I sometimes confuse with anxiety. I also fear anxiety arising around the new office. 270 men demand on me to be at my best all day everyday.

So, new girl is awesome, just like I stated before. I guess I have just developed a complex. I find myself so concerned that she will just walk away. She even stated that I was doing great, but I still find myself worried. It is amazing though, when I am not being stupid, I can see myself with her forever.

I’m not hoping, because hope is for shitbirds who never get anything. I am going to win.

New Job and New Girl= awesomeness

Facebook has become an addiction for me.

This girl has the potential. I’m already trying to hold myself back from going too fast.

I finally got a dog. I haven’t been writing here very much so I figured I would update the world. Thank god for that dog. Her and I talk a lot. Well actually she is a great listener. I do most of the talking.

Anxiety officially runs my life. I am seeing a doctor, but I have a long road to hoe.