Many have died……

So, it’s been a rough 2 weeks. Men that I know and some that I didn’t have died. They have given their lives for various reasons, all unique to that individual. And it saddens me. I have talked to wives and girlfriends. I have comforted those in need. I have brought smiles to their faces in moments of absolute grief. The worst moment in their lives, but I have questions, way too many questions.

I wonder if I have wasted my entire life? I wonder if I have made the right choices? It’s logical to think that had I chosen to remain at home and not serve, I would likely have a family of my own. While comforting a spouse of an injured Soldier just 10 days ago, she stated, “I don’t care if he has no arms or legs. I will push him around in a wheelchair forever if I ave to. I just want him.” This statement has brought me a lot heartache and pain since it first touched my ears. It has dug deep down into my soul and began to rot away my interior. I often wonder why there is no-one waiting for me to come home? I wonder why I haven’t been chosen or lucky enough. I know some answers to some of the simpler questions….

I have roommate and she has a dog. Me and this little dog are great friends. When she is around me she cannot get close enough to my face. She is constantly pushing her way to closer to me. She unconditionally loves me. I am the one who scoldes her, punishs her and occasionally tans that back side. She still responds to my voice and meets me at the door each day. She lays beside me on the couch and enjoys my company…..

Over the past 8 years I have been in many rooms with many families who had their loved one snatched from them in the middle of the night by a hard business. I have been able to help them and as I said make them smile. I doubled my efforts each time when I am working to try and keep my men safe. I have failed time after time and many have fallen. I’m tired.

I never guessed I would be where I am today. It never would’ve occured to me. I have no regrets and this shouldn’t be read that way. I simply wish that someone would be here for me when I come home. No matter how my day was, good or bad or how long the deployment was, I just want someone to help hold me up for once, just once…

I am a great man when looked in on from the outside. I have a great job, nice car, nice house, and I have been smart with my money for the last decade.

Why do I feel so empty inside? No-one seems to want to give me the time of day in the dating world. Maybe is there is no puzzle piece that connects to mine…

Outside of the fact that I am single and very dissapointed in that fact, today was a good day.

I was promoted to the rank of First Sergeant. It’s a great day to serve our nation.

People and money in America are the sole reason for the failure of the American way of life. Men and women raping other Americans for a few extra pennies. GM is the perfect example of that. “Everyday” American workers causing a massive company to fail. Not that CEO and the other higher ups aren’t just as much to blame. American workers, already the highest paid in the world, constantly demanding more and more money. Striking and shutting down factories for another benefit. Where are their benefits now? Most of the every day factory workers earning very high paying saleries and then taking that with them until the day they die. CEOs taking bonuses every year, even though their companies aren’t performing. I know who is going to end up paying for all this bullshit, me and you. Where did the billions of dollars we already gave them end up? Everyone is acting so shocked that our economy is failing. Although can anyone (anyone that has their eyes open) say that they didn’t see this happening in the back of their minds for quite some time? Now of course the government is just throwing cash at everything. And ofcourse everyone is gobbling it up like it’s growing on trees. All of us, short of the most ederly of the population will pay for this stupidity. I wish for just once that someone would hold people responsible for thier own actions. “He/she is such a good guy / gal. We wouldn’t want to punish them for their actions.” America is doing one thing well these days, producing idiots.

After a time consuming analysis of my life, I have realized much that I already knew. My life sucks. Sure I’m financial stable, I have a nice home and a nice car. I have surged ahead of my peers at the office.

I hate my life.

Generally speaking I have very few real friends. I’m only called upon when there is work to be done or a problem that needs resolution or last but not least when they need a loan.

I hate my life.

This week, although short, has been just as much of a pain in the butt as weeks past. This job officially sucks. Today I finally got some details though. They are intentionally making this painful to make my future boss grow a pair… ARGH!!!! My job isn’t to babysit people who own me!

On a much better note, my third grade crush has decided to come visit me this weekend. I am very, very pleased with her decision!

One more weekend with my family in NC is coming to a close. It has been a nice one. I saw some old friends from long ago. I went on a great date with someone I have wanted to date for the better part of 23 years, but never had the guts to ask (till now). I was able to see all of my primary family members for at least a little while. I got some overdue Christmas gifts. I got an early birthday cake. I wasn’t here for Christmas and I won’t be here for my birthday.

Anxiety, what an ass kicker. On my drive up here I experienced some pretty hightened levels of anxiety. I have a lot on my mind and quite frankly I am a little out of control right now. I am preparing to go back out of town to work for a month or so and I am hoping that the work will bring everything back to a low roar. At least until I can gain control over the most recent round of changes in my life. Spin control. if you will.

I’m in NC for the weekend. I’m visiting family and seeing friends. I just had lunch with a young lady that I have known since High School. Ofcourse she is now married and has a kid. She is still looking as good as ever and is doing great. I’m jealous. But back when she would’ve had me, I was an ass. Tonight I will go out with another woman, one that I had a crush on long ago, since 3rd grade….. I haven’t seen her in 12-13 years.

I will update you, my loyal readers, with more details once I return. I am once again about to go on another short notice business trip. I love the travel, but unfortunately it keeps me single.

February 11th, wow this year is gone. I will be 50 before I know it, especially at this pace.

My job continues to annoy me. I love what I could be potentially doing, but hate what it means I must do now. Although I have booked myself up on a bunch of trips throughout this entire year. I will probably end up with nearly this entire year tax free.

Speaking of taxes I still cannot do mine due to errors at both my investors office and the Army. They will likely continue to screw it up. My financial service lost nearly half of my IRA contributions this past year. After a few colorful conversations with me, they found my money. But now I must wait on all the proper documentation.

I guess I am just irritable, all I can do is bitch……