Why?

So, it’s been a rough 2 weeks. Men that I know and some that I didn’t have died. They have given their lives for various reasons, all unique to that individual. And it saddens me. I have talked to wives and girlfriends. I have comforted those in need. I have brought smiles to their faces in moments of absolute grief. The worst moment in their lives, but I have questions, way too many questions.

I wonder if I have wasted my entire life? I wonder if I have made the right choices? It’s logical to think that had I chosen to remain at home and not serve, I would likely have a family of my own. While comforting a spouse of an injured Soldier just 10 days ago, she stated, “I don’t care if he has no arms or legs. I will push him around in a wheelchair forever if I ave to. I just want him.” This statement has brought me a lot heartache and pain since it first touched my ears. It has dug deep down into my soul and began to rot away my interior. I often wonder why there is no-one waiting for me to come home? I wonder why I haven’t been chosen or lucky enough. I know some answers to some of the simpler questions….

I have roommate and she has a dog. Me and this little dog are great friends. When she is around me she cannot get close enough to my face. She is constantly pushing her way to closer to me. She unconditionally loves me. I am the one who scoldes her, punishs her and occasionally tans that back side. She still responds to my voice and meets me at the door each day. She lays beside me on the couch and enjoys my company…..

Over the past 8 years I have been in many rooms with many families who had their loved one snatched from them in the middle of the night by a hard business. I have been able to help them and as I said make them smile. I doubled my efforts each time when I am working to try and keep my men safe. I have failed time after time and many have fallen. I’m tired.

I never guessed I would be where I am today. It never would’ve occured to me. I have no regrets and this shouldn’t be read that way. I simply wish that someone would be here for me when I come home. No matter how my day was, good or bad or how long the deployment was, I just want someone to help hold me up for once, just once…

Thoughts

I am a great man when looked in on from the outside. I have a great job, nice car, nice house, and I have been smart with my money for the last decade.

Why do I feel so empty inside? No-one seems to want to give me the time of day in the dating world. Maybe is there is no puzzle piece that connects to mine…

People and Money in America

People and money in America are the sole reason for the failure of the American way of life. Men and women raping other Americans for a few extra pennies. GM is the perfect example of that. “Everyday” American workers causing a massive company to fail. Not that CEO and the other higher ups aren’t just as much to blame. American workers, already the highest paid in the world, constantly demanding more and more money. Striking and shutting down factories for another benefit. Where are their benefits now? Most of the every day factory workers earning very high paying saleries and then taking that with them until the day they die. CEOs taking bonuses every year, even though their companies aren’t performing. I know who is going to end up paying for all this bullshit, me and you. Where did the billions of dollars we already gave them end up? Everyone is acting so shocked that our economy is failing. Although can anyone (anyone that has their eyes open) say that they didn’t see this happening in the back of their minds for quite some time? Now of course the government is just throwing cash at everything. And ofcourse everyone is gobbling it up like it’s growing on trees. All of us, short of the most ederly of the population will pay for this stupidity. I wish for just once that someone would hold people responsible for thier own actions. “He/she is such a good guy / gal. We wouldn’t want to punish them for their actions.” America is doing one thing well these days, producing idiots.

Visiting the past

I’m in NC for the weekend. I’m visiting family and seeing friends. I just had lunch with a young lady that I have known since High School. Ofcourse she is now married and has a kid. She is still looking as good as ever and is doing great. I’m jealous. But back when she would’ve had me, I was an ass. Tonight I will go out with another woman, one that I had a crush on long ago, since 3rd grade….. I haven’t seen her in 12-13 years.

I will update you, my loyal readers, with more details once I return. I am once again about to go on another short notice business trip. I love the travel, but unfortunately it keeps me single.

The year is already almost over

February 11th, wow this year is gone. I will be 50 before I know it, especially at this pace.

My job continues to annoy me. I love what I could be potentially doing, but hate what it means I must do now. Although I have booked myself up on a bunch of trips throughout this entire year. I will probably end up with nearly this entire year tax free.

Speaking of taxes I still cannot do mine due to errors at both my investors office and the Army. They will likely continue to screw it up. My financial service lost nearly half of my IRA contributions this past year. After a few colorful conversations with me, they found my money. But now I must wait on all the proper documentation.

I guess I am just irritable, all I can do is bitch……

Hard times ahead

Economy, its a word crossing more and more people’s minds daily. I think it should. I have spent a few hours with my financial advisor over the past two weeks and he has nothing good to say except look at the past for a preview of whats to come. Although I will tell him that we have never been this bad off before. I will tell you that Americans have gotten far to comfortable with being spoon fed. No-one wants to have any hardship at any time during their lives. Everyone wants to be refunded for the cup of coffee they dumped in the floor.  They don’t wanna work or earn anything. Now we are going to pay and pay dearly for our stupidity.

I had a long discussion with some of my peers and superiors today. Economy, ofcourse was the topic of discussion and what the conversation turned to, surprised me. So American style banking is currently collapsing. What would you do if your debit and credit cards were temporarily disabled, let’s say for 60 days. Could you survive? If so, what preparations could you take care of now to make things easier during a period of transition?

How about never allowing your gas tank to drop below half a tank over the next few months or a year; half is the new empty. How about a few extra cans of food in the kitchen. I would say just a couple days worthof food until you can afford to wait the hours in line to get more money. You can survive a really long time on a few cans of food. The US Military has spent a lot of money teaching me how to survive off very little. Believe me, if it comes down to it, it doesn’t take much. And last on my list of staples you should think of, pull out some extra cash from your emergency fund (you have one right??). I would say, two months worth of survival cash, gas and food. Keep it in your fire box at home for the next year, it’s not like it’s going to earn any interest anyway.

What do you think will happen in this country if the economy totally fails? I know. It will involve me and a whole bunch of my buddies in body armor. We will be fighting a whole new war…….. against you.

So I have focused myself on change and preparation for hard times. I have saved and invested a good sum of my money over the past decade and I would like to know that it has brought with it some peace of mind……  ????? I do not want to be caught with my pants down.

50% white president

Why O’ Why are American black people so racial? Blacks have become so concerned about their color that they have boxed themselves into constant racism. Black radio, black TV, black scholarships, all racist. Imagine what kind of hornets would stir if there was a white based radio station or white entertainment television. I hate the term African American. I wish black people would just be proud to be an American just like the rest of us. There generally isn’t one drop of african blood in most black american’s bodies. They are just plain old Americans just like me. In my opinion, that is good enough. I am not asking “black” america to forget there history because that would be an injustice to those went fought the good fight. However, join everyone else in creating the future.

Obama is exactly the same kind of politician that has been in office every year that the presidency has existed. He happens to be half black and half white. On another note, I am happy that he finally got some black people to get out and vote that were to lazy to do so before. I do pray that he does, at best, half of what he says he going to do. But history has proven that most politicians don’t follow thru on policy that was promised during the race to their offices. In the end I believe the public will once again be let down once the hype has passed.

Americans wake up! We are all the same outside of our education levels, which end are you on?

Back in the good ol’ pain in the ass USA

I love the US. I would give my life for it. However, I hate Americans.

My insides are full of their own brand of emptiness

I wrote all of the following over a period of time and my thoughts have varied widely. I have been back and changed my pure thoughts over and over and over and now here it is for drinking.

So, I have just recently watched “Pride and Prejudice.” What a chick flick, but at the same time I enjoyed it. I have to say that it will inevitably depress me further then I have already declared myself. I so want to find someone to enjoy my life with.

Afghanistan is such a dreadful country this time of year, raining and cold. After a long period of rain, days, the ground is like soup. It’s the nastiest substance you will ever force yourself upon. On the last little base I found myself residing at, there were no paved roads and there was simply no escape from the nasty, dreadful soup. It covers everything and gets everywhere. Not to mention that cold and rain are not the most suitable combination of meteorological events. I despise the cold. I don’t mind the rain, but truly loath the combination of the two.

I believe I have been left on my own at work. My replacement has taken over my job well over a month early and moved my belongings up to my new office for me. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you view it, my new posting really doesn’t exist yet. So, I guess my condition can simply be called unemployed. I have yet to experience life in the Army without a high tempo and fifty men begging for my every moment, at least not during the past 5-6 years. I have to say I rather like being busy… Someone once described me as someone who enjoyed the climb up the hill much better than standing on the top. Once he said it and I took a moment to think about it, I could not help but to agree. I have a hard time believing that I have been in the military for well over twelve years now. Yikes, before I know it I will be an old man. Most of my men, primarily because of my rank, already view me as such.

I don’t know what I am going to do with my life. The Army has treated me well. I am years ahead of those around me. But still I am feeling empty some days. My career is going great and I am rather full of myself concerning it, but still there is so much missing.

 I will likely finish my two year degree sometime this year. Actually on that subject, I do believe I am going to focus more intently on education. I always say that, and then I find myself feeling lazy two classes later. I have been slowly but surely picking away at it, no matter how hard the Army has worked me, I have continued to further my civilian education. I know some of you will over react about my use of the word “civilian,” but I undergo a lot of military education, years of it. I am just doing a simple General Education degree. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, so deciding on anything outside of the basics proved very difficult.

I have grown tired of Savannah even though it is a lovely city, one that I could picture myself living in for the rest of my life. My social life has been the primary culprit in this particular decision. Nikki has checked up on me a few times on Yahoo… She still finds her way into my mind quite often. It does not hurt nearly has badly as before… I rarely think of her unprovoked. I have not returned any of her messages and do not plan on doing such.

I have traveled the world. I have seen many things that most people dream about their entire lives without even getting close. I want to see so much more! I am hungry for the travel. It is one of the things that keep me in love with my work. I want to go on a cruise this year, but I don’t think I have the financial capability I would like to have prior to going. Of course I have the money, but I have gotten on this huge kick about having so much money in reserve and in my investment accounts. Every year I have tightened the noose around my wallet tighter and tighter. Although I make a significant amount more then I have ever made in the past and I save and invest a large portion of it, I still don’t allow myself to take advantage of the leftovers.

Anxiety continues to plague me, as it has for nearly a decade. I am much better at controlling it, but it nonetheless nearly brings to my breaking point every now and then. It usually centers itself around my stomach. Any kind of stomach discomfort partnered with any kind of pressuring situation may cause me to be overly anxious. However, I must say that I can override it and continue on even at its worst. I have been in combat pretty steadily over the past seven plus years; anxiety has been a portion of my life for far longer than that. By that I mean I have been able to make pressured big time decisions while experiencing some serious symptoms. I have driven many a mile while in the middle of huge anxiety attacks. Usually it makes me far more of a cautious driver. In the end, I usually find myself wishing I had someone to share my life with and help me to continue to learn to minimize these situations.

So, what are your thoughts on marriage? Do you believe that one special person is designed for you and no other? I often think about my past relationships. My early twenties were filled with great relationships. I often think of those relationships past and I can visualize what could’ve been, had I not been so impossible. There was one relationship in particular that I know could’ve gone the distance, but I ruined it. Oh well, no sense crying over spilled milk. But if that was my “one,” am I destined to be alone forever?

Jetlag, have you guys ever experienced real live round the world jetlag? I’ll tell you that I have. I am on the far side of the globe as I write this and I am preparing myself for the inevitable. First, at the end of my trips my sleep cycle always gets screwed up by the work. Then the airplane will never be scheduled to land at a normal time. It will be slap in the middle of when I don’t want to be awake. By the time I have arrived back in the good ol’ US of A, I am tired and extremely jetlagged. It usually takes me about 2 or 3 days to recover to a point where the symptoms aren’t noticeable.

Lifetime update

So I have dedicated my entire life to the service of my country. I am currently serving under an indefinite contract which can keep me in the Army till 2025 at the far end. I have to ask to get out, my contract as no sure exit point before the max. I start a new job in a few days. One, that I should be super excited about, but find myself more and more depressed over.

Depressed, that is a good term to best describe me right now. I have decided that I want a family. The lack of hope for one is bringing my morale down……. help…….I have a ton more to say, when I get home, which will be very soon, I will write a lot more. I have tons to write about. It’s freezing and raining here and I need to rest.